What is vulnerabilty?

Vulnerable....
I used to think that I knew what this meant. I thought that it was about being in some sort of danger, susceptible to something unpleasant and being vulnerable was something that you didn't want to be.

A couple of years ago I felt that kind of vulnerability and it was crippling. It was uncomfortable, definitely unpleasant and dis-empowering. 
In the middle of this chaos I started a new job and one day I remember sitting in yet another training session trying to focus on listening in on how to create a positive culture in leadership. The session started with a video, this was my cue to zone out for a bit but something about the speaker in the video caught my attention. A woman was talking about vulnerability. She said

"vulnerability is not weakness, it is our greatest measure of courage"

In my head being courageous is a good thing but I had never considered being vulnerable as being courageous, so I was intrigued by this. So intrigued, that after the training session I went and bought a book written by this speaker - "Braving the Wilderness". I read the book on a 24 hour flight a few days later. I devoured the pages. I even read some pages twice - I was that hooked. So I came to learn and understand that vulnerability is actually a strength.
Easy right? Just re-wire my brain to this 'new' definition and I'll connect and build trust and creativity and lots of other positives and life will be fine and dandy!

Then the crunch... or as it is written in the book,

"Here's the crux of the struggle:

Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me. 
I'm drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine."

Oh my goodness, that's it! How did this woman get into my head?

I have now known this for too long, but I haven't been able to shift. My walls became so high to protect myself from being seen as vulnerable (my old definition!) that I dared not peep over to view what's outside.

Then the spiral..... so that must mean I'm not courageous? So if I'm not courageous, I must be cowardly and weak and that is something that I don't want to be so I'll just build that wall a bit higher to hide behind.

I've been behind my wall for a while. 
I know that I have retreated and have become stuck. I also know that it was perfectly ok to do that for a period of time. I needed the silence. In an effort to not expose too much of my life I somehow decided that the answer was to share next to nothing and to enable that, it was about doing next to nothing!

I wrote the first part of this post a year ago. I remember feeling full of good intentions of throwing myself into 2019 with energy and enthusiasm. Then I didn't.... I can't really explain why. There didn't seem to be any obvious obstacles so why did it feel so hard? Why did I question everything and ponder over decisions only to end up not actually doing anything in the end? 

It's a bit like this blog. Full of good intentions to share and capture life events, only to freeze over the publish button. Questions, questions  - is it a bit narcissistic to write about my life, my thoughts, my feelings? Is sharing being vulnerable? Is that a good thing....? So again, I retreated. Too caught up in keeping everything together, not doing anything wrong, not showing any weakness. In turn, 2019 became a year of nothing.  I don't want that again, so I am putting myself out there this year. Big statement. In fact, huge statement! Life goes by so fast so I'm going to capture the moments again. Find my camera, take photos, go places, write about things. 

I have just spent a few hours reading through old blog posts and Facebook entries. I think I miss some of that interaction so here goes, this is courageous vulnerability..... and for some reason it feels a bit unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Bring on 2020.


The speaker and writer that I referred to is Brené Brown 

Trying to find the why

Just recently my teenager and I have been having these quite random conversations. Sometimes they only last five minutes in the car from one place to another yet the experience usually stays with me for quite a while longer.

She is almost sixteen and right before my eyes she is finding her place and her voice. One day she will be all guns blazing with the injustices of the world and other times she will be quiet, mature and contemplative and will ask those difficult why questions...

Sibs is a sharer and I know way more than I need to know about things that I should probably not know about! I wouldn't change that about her. I love that we connect and chat and as challenging as some of these conversation become I also know I'm privileged.

I, on the other hand am most definitely not a sharer. I'd rather pull out my eyelashes than tell anyone what's going on in my head! I know the possible mental health and wellness implication of this and  I admire those that can speak freely. I read a few blogs and instagramers that can stir huge emotions - I'll empathise, giggle, gasp and cry and I love how supportive others are of them in their beautiful comments. It's just not me though. Am I therefore a bit of a fraud? Someone that presents an airbrushed version of herself?

I think that's the reason that I still haven't quite got back into the rhythm of writing here. I was full of good intentions a month ago. I was going to start documenting life again. Capture those little moments that would pass by as well as the bigger experiences but it just hasn't happened.
I think I'm feeling a bit unsure of my why.
I'm considering my honesty.

I'm practising with these teenager to mother conversations but even there I'm struggling with some boundaries to my honesty. I don't know a lot of the answers and I'm comfortable telling her that but I do have a tendency to look on the bright side and have considered whether this Pollyanna outlook on life is actually helpful or not. I question whether concentrating on the positives is setting her up with unrealistic expectations of life? Mother guilt...... ahhh!

So maybe bear with me a while longer as I try to figure a few things out.

There may be posts about the queue at the supermarket or the weather but I may also throw a belter of raw exposure in here one day....

I'm off to pick up my car now and part with this week's wage packet in exchange for new break pads!

Till next time.
x

I found my why!

An introduction

Today I find myself getting around to something that I've been thinking of doing for quite a while. I'm writing a blog post.

I set up this blog a few months ago. The urge to write again sort of crept up on me and I've been finding myself composing posts in my head more and more so I'm finally putting fingers to the keyboard!

A few months ago I wrote an introductory post... not my best, so thank goodness I'm old enough and wise enough to have some caution. So here is introductory post -version 2.3

Hello there,

Some people reading this will know who I am and others maybe won't.  I never write with an expectation that others read my words but it helps me to write as if I'm talking to someone.

I used to blog quite a bit back in the day when I was documenting a family move to the other side of the world and all that it entailed. That blog still exists - HERE  and I contemplated a bit of a resurrection. Instead, I decided that the past is a foreign country (beautiful quote from L.P. Hartley) and whilst I still technically have a foot in that foreign country I'm a different person with a different story.

It's a Winter Sunday where I am. The sky is not quite as blue as it usually is but it's warm and cosy. The internet radio is on (BBC Radio 2 in case you were wondering), there's a half drunk mug of coffee by my side and a snoring cat at my feet. It's very quiet.

Life is stable and happy now.

I retreated from blogging and a lot of the online world before I could write that sentence.

Lots has changed in my life and those changes happened over time. During the last couple of years my health was challenging my everyday life and resulted in pretty major surgery with months of recovery.

Family life changed and three became two. There's a bigger story to that but some of it isn't mine to tell...

Then to add to what was an incredibly stressful time, my work life also became disrupted and my position was made redundant. Throw in some parent ill health and close friends on the other side of the world going through tough times and it's been pretty rubbish!

Much of that is the past. I no longer wake in the middle of the night with a jaw so tight to leave teeth marks on my tongue and hands clenched to leave nail indentations in my palms! I'm beginning to see the things that I am grateful for again and I want to start documenting all of that. 

So here I am. There are a few more grey hairs to add to the collection and some lines that no amount of miracle wrinkle cream will fill but that's OK.

Looking forward, I have a new job that's pretty challenging but becoming more enjoyable.  I'm embracing the change to a small house despite the things that I still need to let go of as I can't fit everything in! My health is good and my girl is happy. Life is still throwing the odd curve ball and I do have to lift my rose coloured specs every now and again but that's just keeping it real!

Let's just see where this goes.....