Trying to find the why

Just recently my teenager and I have been having these quite random conversations. Sometimes they only last five minutes in the car from one place to another yet the experience usually stays with me for quite a while longer.

She is almost sixteen and right before my eyes she is finding her place and her voice. One day she will be all guns blazing with the injustices of the world and other times she will be quiet, mature and contemplative and will ask those difficult why questions...

Sibs is a sharer and I know way more than I need to know about things that I should probably not know about! I wouldn't change that about her. I love that we connect and chat and as challenging as some of these conversation become I also know I'm privileged.

I, on the other hand am most definitely not a sharer. I'd rather pull out my eyelashes than tell anyone what's going on in my head! I know the possible mental health and wellness implication of this and  I admire those that can speak freely. I read a few blogs and instagramers that can stir huge emotions - I'll empathise, giggle, gasp and cry and I love how supportive others are of them in their beautiful comments. It's just not me though. Am I therefore a bit of a fraud? Someone that presents an airbrushed version of herself?

I think that's the reason that I still haven't quite got back into the rhythm of writing here. I was full of good intentions a month ago. I was going to start documenting life again. Capture those little moments that would pass by as well as the bigger experiences but it just hasn't happened.
I think I'm feeling a bit unsure of my why.
I'm considering my honesty.

I'm practising with these teenager to mother conversations but even there I'm struggling with some boundaries to my honesty. I don't know a lot of the answers and I'm comfortable telling her that but I do have a tendency to look on the bright side and have considered whether this Pollyanna outlook on life is actually helpful or not. I question whether concentrating on the positives is setting her up with unrealistic expectations of life? Mother guilt...... ahhh!

So maybe bear with me a while longer as I try to figure a few things out.

There may be posts about the queue at the supermarket or the weather but I may also throw a belter of raw exposure in here one day....

I'm off to pick up my car now and part with this week's wage packet in exchange for new break pads!

Till next time.
x

I found my why!